When the Rabbit Hole Ends
by Samurai Smee
Summary: Sequel to Painting the Roses Red. Jasper's unexpected journey to regain a little piece of his happiness back, and the life he knew before.
1. Tunnel's Light

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When the Rabbit Hole Ends

**Chapter One**

**Tunnel's Light**

_Jasper's POV_

I sighed into my drink, letting the smoke from my cigarette curl around me in tangled, white wisps, as I barely paid any mind to the other patrons inside the quiet bar.

I was only here to drink.

Nothing more.

It had been seven months since Edward's death in the streets of Saint Petersburg, seven months since his burial back in the States which I could not bring myself to attend, no matter how much I wished to bid him farewell him one last time.

I sighed again before tossing the remainder of the sharp-tasting bourbon down my throat before quickly replacing my cigarette in between my lips, my body feeling a bit drowsy and my mind feeling ready to leave.

Russia, in all her damnable pride and beauty, had changed forever for me because of what had happened.

The land that I had loved so much and felt so connected to, felt like she had abandoned me, ripped out all of my still-bleeding organs to hold in my face, before just up and leaving me where I stood in pain.

I sometimes hated the fact that I still lived here, even if I had chosen to live on the polar opposite direction from Saint Petersburg, where the streets were a little rougher and the buildings not so grand.

I did not mind the area, though, as I felt like the weather-worn buildings and grey ambiance here better suited my mood.

I shuffled out of my seat at the bar, pulling on my long, wool coat as I moved away from the tempting liquor and addictive, depressing atmosphere, the two things I had readily accepted upon that fateful day whence my life had literally slipped through my fingers and plummeted to the cold ground.

I straightened the lapels of my coat, not even bothering to button the damn thing up, as I made to exit the small pub, ready to delve into the bitter cold of the dimming afternoon and to try not to remember every single detail of what I missed about Edward Masen.

The burning red cherry on my cigarette was quickly fading once I stepped outside, so I deftly retrieved my lighter and brought my hands up to my mouth to cup around the cigarette and block the flame from the mild wind passing by.

"Oof!" I voiced aloud upon running into something mercilessly solid, so solid that it knocked me down to sit upon the frozen pavement with my unlit cigarette now lying crumpled at my side.

"Oh man, I am so sorry...here...are you alright? Damn, that was dumb of me..." someone spoke to me even though I honestly needed a moment to right my blanking mind and pull together some courage to stand up from the ground.

I lifted my eyes to seek out the face of the person who had run into me, a small part of me wanting to be angry and to lash out, but it was countered easily within me by the much larger part that wanted nothing to do with anyone anymore.

Dark, mocha skin and even darker, heavier eyes looked frantically across my features as he kept his hand outstretched towards me; my own lighter-colored eyes not missing the way the stranger's lips parted in a gasp once I finally lifted my gaze up to his from the pavement.

I frowned lightly at the obviously foreign young man's surprise at my pale, strong features, as I took his proffered hand and let him aid in hoisting me up to my feet, my hands quick to smooth out the folds of my coat and straighten my sleeves.

"...sorry," I offered simply, my voice wholly showcasing my forlorn attitude, as I kept my eyes focused on the cuff I fixed with my fingers.

"Uh...you're not...hurt, are you? I'm Jacob, by the way..." the stranger spoke up, his voice unbelievably cheerful and uplifting where mine was not, the affect of which catching my immediate attention as I whipped my head around to look at him directly.

I swallowed hard at Jacob's lovely smile, a kind of bright smile that reached his eyes and let me see a little piece of his soul...and just how truly happy it was.

I darted my gaze to the right, looking at nothing for the small second it took me to decide to deal with the knot twisting curiously in my stomach and the sudden blazing behind my eyes that made me want to cry, before I snapped my focus into his waiting brown orbs.

"Jascha..." I told him my real name, something I had not done in what felt like ages, as he and I both reached out and clasped each others' hand in a friendly but timid greeting, "...and no...I'm alright."

"Wow...your English is so good! I guess you can already tell that I'm not from here. I'm actually from Washington state in America, and I'm here on a grant to teach English in a few schools," Jacob rambled to me, shocking me even more with his evident nervousness as well as his prominent good-nature that seemed to radiate off of him in waves.

I was quite taken aback from how much information he had just divulged to me in such a short amount of time.

"Oh...um..." I struggled to find a reply to everything Jacob had said, but my train of thought was abruptly relieved of its battle in my mind as I heard Jacob chuckle.

His short black spikes glistened against so much white that surrounded us, as he had his head lowered but only to raise it back up so that his soothing chocolate gaze, the same inviting color as his suede winter coat, met my own once more.

"I'm sorry...it's just...you are..." the dark-skinned American male seemed to search for the right word, his eyes dancing across my features as he licked the inside of his cheek before boldly continuing, "...like...a total knock-out, and I am sort of having a hard time keeping my words coherent, so I apologize if I sound like some weirdo right now."

I could not help the small smile that curved one side of my mouth, finding Jacob's humor admittedly close in resemblance to my own, as I felt that sickening knot in my stomach gradually begin to unwind.

"No problem," I said with a little more buoyancy in my voice this time, feeling myself wanting to warm up to this stranger after all, as it made me feel better, more sure, as I watched him grin bashfully but broadly every time he had held my gaze for so long.

"I know this is ridiculously straight-forward of me to ask you, Jascha..." Jacob began, his great intake of air making his chest puff out some as he braved his next words to me, "...but...would you want to grab a drink with me?"

I lowered my eyes as a genuine smile formed my lips, my heart racing inside my chest at Jacob's absolutely soul-enriching offer, and when I lifted my eyes back to him, it was with a certain sass hidden in my sapphire orbs which I had not felt in a very long time.

"I actually just left that pub right behind you before this," I said as I tipped my curly, blonde head towards said bar that I could still see a few feet behind the American, "...but...if you wanted to...join me to get something to eat, I would not mind."

"Absolutely! I mean, yeah...that sounds great," Jacob's vigor was positively glowing behind his brilliant smile that I felt my chest relax tremendously upon hearing such optimism and joy come from another human being.

My smile was effortless now, my eyes no longer feeling so weighted, and it was a modest spark taking place in the back of my mind that I angled my body towards Jacob's side, ready to walk down the sidewalk alongside him.

"So, Jascha...love your name, by the way...but what is that you do for a living? You already know that I'm a teacher..." Jacob asked once he and I fell into a comfortable stride next to one another, heading just down the block to a quaint diner that had quickly become one of my usual places to eat.

A sad smirk curved my lips at Jacob's painfully innocent question, my senses able to cut through the biting cold around us and know that he was staring attentively at me, waiting for an answer as well as merely drinking in my profile and snow-speckled curls that bounced against my cheeks as we walked.

I flicked my eyes down to the darkened yet white-dusted ground that quickly passed underneath our feet only for a moment, the bright lights shining into the street from the restaurant coming into view while we walked, and I blinked slowly, almost ruefully as my reply flowed from my lips.

"Nothing...nothing at all," I said with a counter-intuitive smile, a smile masking so much yet so telling at the same time, as I regarded the way Jacob's lips parted in concern, his chocolate gaze examining my own even though I offered no other supplementary information before we both approached the diner.

Jacob immediately opened the door for me to enter ahead of him, and it was with a softened expression, my heartbroken smile having quickly faded from my features, that I cast him a quick glance, almost as if in silent pleading for him to follow in after me so I would not be alone anymore, and stepped inside.

Author's Note: Alright, folks lol. So, I was reading Painting the Roses Red a few days ago (yes, I realize it's my own story) and I was so bummed out by the ending lol. I thought to myself, "Self, I need to make Jasper happy. We need to see Jasper happy again." And so BAM! A sequel to make that happen. Thanks for reading; more to come later, fans. XD


	2. What It Is Wouldn't Be

**Chapter Two**

**What It Is Wouldn't Be, And What It Wouldn't Be It Would**

_Jasper's POV_

I was suddenly so nervous, being here with Jacob like this, cognizant of his every glance and mannerism directed towards me, as he and I seated ourselves at table close to the expansive windows.

The sky had turned a velvety blue-black and the powder snow continued to fluttered down atop the town, making for a truly peaceful view for the two of us to behold as we sat across from each other inside the bright, somewhat occupied diner.

"This is why I like this place so much...not too many people know of it, so it never gets too crowded here," I explained conversationally to the dark-skinned American male before me while we both shrugged off our coats and got more situated inside our burgundy and wood-grain booth.

"Nice...I like it," Jacob agreed with another one of his brilliant, joyful smiles, the affect of which once again catching me mildly off guard and I had to hesitate and divert my eyes from such positivism.

He was so carefree, so easy-going, as if nothing in this world could possibly bother him.

I found myself envying that about him in an instant, envying it because I knew how truly valuable it was to possess; it meant the difference between freedom and pain.

I allowed a small, personal smile to grace my features as I internally mused that someone like Jacob probably would not know the horrible affects of real pain – he was too full of life for that, too full of bliss and merriment to even care to know what hell felt like.

I blinked appreciatively at him, a bit lost in my own thoughts, as I watched the whole picture of him, everything he had to offer, as his long-sleeved black thermal shirt perfectly matched his messily spiked hair and brought out his lovely mocha skin tone.

"So...what's good here?" Jacob asked me after a beat as he picked up a menu from the wire rack at the far end of the table and began perusing the list of entrees and drinks, his brow furrowing a bit as he scanned intently over the items the diner had to offer.

I smirked now that his eyes were directed somewhere else, feeling my nerves easily soothe within me, reminding me that I had nothing to be scared of with someone like him around, someone who was not tarnished as I was.

"It might be a Hungarian dish," I began answering his question with a comical roll of my eyes once I said the word 'Hungarian', pleased when I saw Jacob crack a smile and lift his sparkling eyes back to meet mine, "...but I do recommend the goulash."

"Hungarian goulash it is, then..." Jacob affirmed confidently as he closed the menu and dropped it on the table, his immaculate teeth showing in his broad smile, and this time I could not look away.

Jacob truly was a sight to behold, his happiness making him even more beautiful in my eyes, as his very nature drew me to him, drew me into wanting to see that smile, that joy...

A modest clearing of a throat broke whatever trance I had been placed under as Jacob and I both turned our heads towards the petite, middle-aged woman standing besides us, a smile on her face as she waited for our attention before setting down two glasses of water and silverware.

"Ya magu vam pamoch?" the waitress asked if she could help us, prompting me to open my mouth to begin speaking to her.

"Dva goulash, pazhalusta," Jacob suddenly ordered for the both of us, his cheeky grin still in place as he winked at me upon earning my surprised gaze.

The waitress quickly scribbled the dinner order down on her notepad before murmuring 'sure thing' in a barely distinguishable English, and then trotting towards the back.

"Tricky...I'll have to remember that you're tricky, Jacob," I joked with the chuckling American as he fixed me with an inviting stare, his endearing eyes tracing over my snow-kissed features for a firm moment before he replied.

"Does that mean...that you would want to see me again sometime after this...?" Jacob asked carefully but playfully, his voice going up at the end of his question as he quirked an eyebrow up at me and regarded me pseudo-critically.

"Um..." I needed a minute to think over exactly what Jacob was asking me, my thoughts dabbling with ideas of having a friend, a real friend to rely on finally, to finding someone I could possibly love after all this time, someone to open up to, to cherish...just like I did with him...

"Da...I would like to spend more time with you," I admitted a bit awkwardly, avoiding his eyes until I felt a blissfully warm, strong hand gently grasp the top of mine as I had my hands clasped together and perched on top of the table.

I snapped my wide eyes to his, seeing his onyx bangs that had fallen a little more into his eyes from the weight of the melting snowflakes, no doubt, as he had his head cocked just the tiniest bit the side as he held my shocked gaze with so much patience, so much underlying understanding as if he knew of my secret pain and was already expressing that he would help me through it.

"Good...'cause I would love...to really get to know you, Jascha...for as long as you let me," Jacob's American-accented words were sincere and full of so much depth that I continued to find my words leaving me, my brain hushing pleasantly, and allowing me to only feel for once.

My lungs took an involuntary deep breath, something Jacob did not miss, as he smiled even bigger at me, his thumb rubbing comforting circles across the top of my wrist before the sounds of footsteps made us slowly break apart.

"Vot, vazmite. Na zdarovye!" our waitress presented us with our food and told us to enjoy as she carefully set down the steaming plates of seasoned beef and noodles before Jacob and myself.

"Spasiba," I thanked our upbeat waitress with a nod of my head, watching her already cheery face brighten even more so upon hearing my expression of gratitude, something I had admittedly let fade from my usual speech to people lately.

I saw now just how much something so small could mean for someone else, though.

My gaze swept across the room for a second, taking in the other few patrons that sat in pairs, eating quietly and chatting amiably with one another, before my attention landed back on my companion.

Jacob was already chewing his food, his chin resting on his wrist as he had one elbow propped up on the table, as he watched me with a knowing smirk and eyes that shone with adoration, eyes that felt like they were figuring me out, and that were happy that I was happy.

"Vam nravitsa?" I smiled shyly as I asked him if he liked his food, turning all of my body back to my own dinner as I retrieved my fork and knife and began cutting up portions of the spicy beef.

Jacob grinned handsomely as he swallowed, his eyes still staring heavily at me from across the table, even as I busied myself with digging into my own food, feeling the weight of his eyes blatantly admiring me which made me feel excited and bashful and...totally desired.

"Mne eta ochin nravitsa!" Jacob exclaimed that he, in fact, really liked it, as he finally took his chin off of his wrist so that he may resume rigorously eating his meal.

The air between us was light and comfortable, capable of totally putting me at ease, with our mild banter and his effortless smiles that transitioned into making my own more genuine, more full of something I knew I had lost a long time ago but was now able to feel it coming back to me.

Our meal had been excellent and Jacob's wit had been even better, as the black-haired American male had told me all about how he was a Quileute Native American, born and raised on a beautiful reservation called La Push in Washington.

He told me about the spanning rock cliffs that oversaw granite-blue waters, all of it blanketed with lush greenery where fresh rain kept the trees tall enough to pierce the clouds and allow for a gentle silver sheen to coat over the entire area, something a bit magical known only to the people who lived there.

It sounded beautiful.

"It is beautiful;" Jacob confirmed, our Hungarian goulash having long since been devoured as we now just sat and talked about whatever we wished, as I was captivated by his descriptions, the passion he obviously held for his homeland and family, of life in general, "...you should see it...you look like the kind of guy who would appreciate beauty at its finest...I know I do."

My breath hitched in my throat upon seeing Jacob look at me through his long, dark lashes, his subtle hint and more than significant gaze not going lost on me at all, as I swallowed hard at such bold words, words that were more of a question to me than anything else.

"I...I should probably be going now...it is getting late, you know..." I muttered lamely, suddenly feeling the need to put some distance between myself and such sweet words coming from such a wonderful person, the undeserved tenderness coming from him making me feel edgy, a bit out of control, and I agreed with myself that I needed some time to get back in touch with reality.

Jacob stood the instant I did to put on my coat, his face still watching me compassionately without any hint of confusion or wonder, as if he had known I would react this way.

"I agree, it is getting late...one in the morning if my watch is still right," he commented coolly, surprisingly me with the time of night it was as he checked his dark-brown leather wristwatch before also retrieving his coat.

"It was really nice meeting you, Jacob..." I offered quite sadly, unable to help the regret blossoming in my voice, as it had already swelled tremendously within my chest as he and I both went through the motions of parting ways, the American slipping on his heavy coat as well.

"Here..." Jacob said simply, catching my attention from fussing with my hair and collar too much as he deftly grabbed a napkin from our table and then retrieved an ink pen from the inside of his coat, jotting down his name and number on the delicate material before passing it to me.

I accepted the contact information with slightly trembling hands, already feeling my rue gradually begin to subside now that I clutched something from Jacob inside my palm, my eyes lifting up to search his once more.

"I won't even ask you for your number, but I do want you to have mine...in case you ever need to talk or go grab that drink...I want you to know that I'll be there...okay?" Jacob purposefully ended his thoughts to me with a question, his cocoa-colored eyes soft and enveloping as I gratefully nodded my head.

"Okay...really...thank you," my voice was small, meaningful, and Jacob knew it.

"And don't worry about the bill...I got this one," Jacob winked at me one more time this night, his grin growing into a full-blown smile as he picked up our check and merely held it in between his fingers for a moment, the moment that I knew cued our farewell.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat, feeling quite like I had been in a blissfully fogged daze for a prolonged period of time, a lovely reverie in which none of my problems existed...and it had been all because of Jacob.

Without truly thinking about otherwise, I stepped forward, barely noting how Jacob's eyebrows rose in pure surprise as I smoothly wrapped my coat-covered arms around his taller, broader frame.

Jacob immediately reciprocated my embrace without question, hugging his long, heavy arms tightly around me, as securely as our multiple layers of thick clothing would allow, as he lowered his head to be closer to my own, the paper check falling forgotten to the floor all the while.

"It's alright, Jascha, I gotcha..." Jacob whispered for only me to hear, his rich timbre of a voice strumming through me, coaxing me into even more of a state of contentedness, as I breathed in his spicy, pleasing scent, cherishing how his soft coat cushioned our embrace as if I was surrounded by a cloud, "...I'm here for you now...there is nothing to worry about anymore."

Wordlessly, I took my time in retracting myself from the intoxicating warmth of Jacob's arms, honestly feeling better, more human, than I had in months.

"Thank you...again...I'll see you around," I spoke calmly before finally taking a step away from Jacob and turning towards the exit of the diner, my hands fastening the buttons along my coat all the while.

This time, I felt the need to hold onto the warmth that still lingered around me.

_Author's Note:_ It only gets better from here. I promise no dramatic downfalls, no more DEATHS. I super swear that one, people. XD Cheers!


	3. I Shall Think Nothing of Falling Down

**Chapter Three**

**I Shall Think Nothing of Falling Down Stairs**

_Jasper's POV_

Three days later...

I continued to use the pads of my fingers to massage the bridge of my nose and the corners of my eyes as I sat alone inside my apartment, trying not to think and trying to think of too much at the same time.

My old apartment had been newer and more modern but it had also been smaller than this one.

My new place here in the simple yet still personable town of Novokuznetsk was undoubtedly older in construction age but was a lot bigger, providing me with a lot more open room for absolutely no reason.

Just empty space surrounded me.

Perhaps at the time I had purchased this apartment, that had been important to me.

Now...I only felt it plaguing me.

I huffed a pitiful sigh and dropped my hands from my face, turning away from my muted television and towards the glass doors that lead outside to the balcony that overlooked this dreary part of the city, finding a small amount of comfort in the view that I let color that half of my apartment with whatever mood the sky felt that day.

I had not been able to stop thinking about Jacob, thinking about how wonderful it had been to be around him, as if just by doing so, everything that was good about him could physically be that way for me as well.

As if I could capture a piece of that radiance...and keep it for myself...and let that be my own source through which to shine and not feel any of the darkness that was inside of me.

I lowered my gaze, feeling silly with thinking such thoughts.

And yet...

With slow movements that I mentally questioned at every millisecond, I pulled my cell phone out of my jeans pocket, Jacob's hastily scrawled number already sitting on my glass coffee table.

I chewed on my lower lip, hating how simple it was performing this task was and yet how difficult is was to actually do so.

"A quick hello...to see how he is doing..." I said aloud to myself, lying for the sake of lying even as the words flashed clearly in my head in black and white that I was lonely and wanted to talk to him.

I quickly punched in his number and held the device to my ear, listening to the ringing on the other end, feeling as if my own slivers of happiness hung in the delicate balance as I listened to the chiming tones and nothing else.

"Come on...pick up..." I murmured impatiently, unwilling to wait to receive my prize of hearing Jacob's voice and grasping that otherworldly warmth for my own once more, now that I had finally taken the plunge and dialed his number to call him.

"Privet?" Jacob answered his phone, speaking in Russian and sending my heart thumping wildly inside my chest in a second, and I had to swallow down the spit that had collected at the back of my throat before replying.

"Jacob? It's Jascha...I hope I'm...not bothering you right now...?" I provided him the opening of informing me of the negative, my brain having wanted to say 'not disturbing you right now' but I had to forgo those words at the last minute since I did not know how to say them in English.

"Hey, Jascha! I'm so glad you called! And no, you're nothing bothering me at all...how are you?" Jacob exclaimed to me, his voice bright and colorful, just like I remembered it, and I could practically already see his dazzling smile whilst he talked.

My chest felt lighter, my blood not so thick inside my veins anymore, like a large part of me was able to let go of something horrible, allowing for a strange but welcome serenity to find me once again because of the way he regarded me.

"I'm doing okay..." I said lamely, frowning at my untruthful and trite choice of words before continuing with a bit of a sigh, "...alright, that was a lie; I'm not doing so great, Jacob."

"Why? What's wrong? Do you need me to come over?" Jacob rambled off his questions to me, his voice a plethora of worry and hope, and I could almost feel him buzzing with energy on the other line.

"Um, well..." I hesitated, furrowing my brows a bit as I knew that it was too soon for me to feel comfortable inviting him over to my place, so I quickly compromised, "...could we meet somewhere...somewhere to talk...?"

I hated how needy I sounded, even to myself, but my thoughts perked up immediately upon hearing Jacob reply with a rich zest in his tone, " Of course! Name a place and I'll meet you there."

I thought over Jacob's request, trying to keep it within the scope of noticeable landmarks I knew I lived by.

"The train station."

X

Forty-seven minutes later...

I passively watched my breath leave my mouth in fluttering clouds brought on by the chilled atmosphere, the dispersing wisps propelled by the air that left me in small puffs, as I remained seated on one of the many wooden benches that overlooked the railroad tracks.

The area was well illuminated with high-reaching lamp posts that made the frozen steel glow amidst the rapidly approaching evening, the sky a lovely blanket above me filled with magenta and turquoise as a staggering gold hue outlined the few clouds and tried desperately to make its brighter presence known amongst the much more somber colors of night.

Scarce people occupied this particular train station at this hour, but their far-away footsteps sounding against the cobblestone walkways were calming to me in some way, giving me something to listen to while I waited.

I had not been sitting in this spot long, and the moment I had sat down, I had instantly felt a tiny bit better, not so alone, not so subject to only my depressing thoughts as I now heard the sirens of speeding cars and could look at the landscape of tangled trees that had already lost their leafs and could now lay praise to the sky, their ice-tinged limbs struggling to reach as far into such beautiful firmament as they could manage.

Another puff of tattered, white air left my parted lips.

Suddenly, a much more determined pair of footsteps caught my rapt attention, prompting me to turn my head in the direction from which they were closing in on me fast.

"Hey you..." Jacob greeted with a friendly smile and a wave as he quickly but gracefully closed the distance between us and sat down right next to me on the bench, a drawn-out sigh of relief leaving him as he relaxed.

"Hi, Jacob. Thank you for coming to meet me," I began, sliding my sapphire eyes his way as I watched as he sat up straighter from his reclining position, letting me know that he was ready to listen to whatever I needed to say.

Jacob scooted closer to me, letting me feel him pressed against my side as he bore his stern gaze into my profile, his hands folded together in between his knees.

"Seriously, it was no trouble at all...you know, I knew something was bothering you from the beginning, when I first bumped into you..." Jacob began stating the truth of it all aloud, his gentle words making me feel a little more sullen as I knew that everything he had deduced thus far had been correct.

"You don't ever make eye contact..." Jacob continued, his voice exponentially softer as I felt him lean a bit closer to me.

I swallowed hard from his honest words that had not been easy for me to hear, but gasped upon feeling Jacob's gloved hand gingerly take hold of my chin and turn my face towards him, making me meet his eyes and see just how much unwavering sympathy there was in them.

"And...you really should...your eyes are so beautiful," Jacob finished his thought to me, gently rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone as he held onto me so affectionately, as if he felt blessed just to be doing so, and I could feel myself melting from such reverence.

"...um...thanks..." I breathed, wise to the fact that that same trance I had experienced with Jacob before had already swept completely over me, gripping me tightly in a remarkable way, as my soul felt cleansed of its hardships and many, many blemishes once more, just from him touching me.

Jacob smirked, his eyes glinting with a hint of playfulness yet power over me, as he let his fingers trail down my cheek and slide off of my chin, Jacob obviously taking his time with such a caress and I watched as his own eyes had followed the path his fingers had made.

"Tell me what's wrong," Jacob provided firmly but smoothly, allowing me all the time in the world to pour my thoughts out to him, as much or as little as I pleased, as he kept his body angled toward my own.

"Um...well...you see..." I caught myself stalling, the knowledge present in my mind that I wanted Jacob to know me, that I would feel better if I shared these haunting thoughts with another soul, and with my profile turned towards my American companion so that my eyes may take in those reaching trees once more, I confessed, "...the man I loved...died...several months ago. He was shot...killed...right...in front of me, and...and I...I just..."

I licked my drying lips, noticing now just how cold they were, as I forced my thoughts to straighten, to make sense inside my mind so I may finally speak them aloud.

"And now, I just don't know what to do anymore...sometimes...I wish it had been me instead of him...it's not fair, and I'm...pathetic...without him...I drink...I drink and hope that the memories go away but at the same time, once I realize I can't remember what he and I had for lunch one afternoon, I lose it, I lose control, because...that's all I have left," I admitted so much of something so painful that I was out of breath by the time I had finished speaking, only now chancing a quick glance to Jacob by my side.

Jacob looked stunned.

He looked stunned and almost as depressed as I was, and I felt an immediate twinge of guilt for having ever spoken of my tragic life at all to him, to someone so pure of heart and full of life who should not have to hear of things like this.

However, right as I was about to apologize and to offer to be on my way, I was suddenly being hugged tightly to Jacob's strong chest, his large arms squeezing me securely to him as he brought one of his hands to my head and tucked it under his chin.

"Shh...just go ahead and cry, Jascha...just go right ahead..." Jacob cooed down to me, his words confusing me at first which lead me to bring a hand to my face.

Sure enough, once I pulled my fingers away from my cheeks, I noticed that they were wet with my tears.

"Oh Jacob...I miss him so much...I don't know what to do...I don't know what to do!" I sobbed into the front of Jacob's coat, clutching his clothing in my firmly balled fists as I finally let all of my bottled anguish, all of those months of near psychotic levels of depression and agony, come rushing out of me in bellowing waves that had me shaking violently inside Jacob's steady grasp.

"...I gotcha...it's going to be alright...you here me? You're going to be alright..." Jacob took all of my emotional venting in stride, letting me weakly beat my fists against his chest as I struggled to find an answer and coped with the knowledge that I would never fully understand.

I could not be sure how long he and I stayed as we were like this until I had stopped crying, my body still trembling from feeling so drained of energy and mental exhaustion, as I clung onto the way Jacob gently rocked me from side to side, his fingers still stroking through my wheat-colored curls all the while.

My bleary eyes were closed peacefully as my head rested along Jacob's collarbone, and I knew I could easily fall asleep like this, my body almost feeling weightless as I continued to sit with him like this.

As if sensing my every thought, Jacob brushed his cheek against the top of my head as he said, "Jascha...will you come with me?"

I simply nodded my head in reply, feeling as if I was unable to do much else.

"Good. I know something...that will make you feel better."

_Author's Note:_ Watch as J and J become closer. Watch as one helps the other through immense pain. Watch as a these two begin to bond a great friendship that they both desperately need.


	4. Riddles Make Sense

**Chapter Four**

**Riddles Make Sense**

_Jasper's POV_

I kept my head lowered, not having the strength to lift even my gaze from the cobblestone walkways as Jacob lead me away from the train station, one of his arms was kept wrapped around my shoulders and the other held fast onto my arm as he helped me navigate the secluded streets.

"Just a little further, Jascha...it's right up ahead..." Jacob cooed to me again, his voice like a melodic instrument able to play softly above the roaring nothingness currently going on inside my head as he and I walked, our steps visible in the pale, white snow by the shining overhead lamplight that warded off the total void of night.

I could not remember the last time I had felt so exhausted, yet so back in touch with reality, as painful and emotionally trying as it was, I could tell that all of the little things inside me...were now beginning to mend.

"We're here..." Jacob announced quietly to me, his words prompting me to slowly raise my head so I may take in the sight of the establishment at which we had arrived.

A short flight of cleaned stone steps lead up to one of the few apartment buildings I knew to be in this area. The complex only had six stories, but each window that patterned along the outside walls was huge and spanning of this quaint but lively town.

The views from those windows had to almost have been panoramic inside those apartments, and I blinked once more at the outside of the apartment complex before feeling Jacob politely tug me alongside his as we ascended the steps.

We were silent, he and I, as we entered into the complex, the inside reminding me a bit of my own apartment, well-worn but currently seeing great care and choices to be made more comfortable, as the almond walls were pleasant to my eyes, trimmed in a rich chocolate brown and accented with just enough beige along the designs on the walls and decor of the foyer to add something even more to this place.

I found the earth tones soothing and welcoming as I followed Jacob up a few flights of stairs before we entered the top floor, my drowsiness calming down to a more manageable level to where I did not feel as hollow and bereft anymore.

Now, I only felt curiosity and a type of melancholic intrigue.

After the brief trek down the corridor that matched the downstairs foyer, Jacob stopped at a door, prompting me to also halt my steps.

I eyed his profile as Jacob deftly unlocked his door and then opened it for me, allowing me to enter in ahead of him, a modest smile gracing his lips at me the moment I searched his eyes.

"After you," Jacob said with an affirming blink of his eyes, his voice so peaceful, so sure, that I found my feet moving without any effort at all.

I stepped inside Jacob's loft, my gaze instantly drawn to the spanning bay windows that offered angle after angle of the city below, his living room seeming to be made up of windows far too high up in the snowy sky to be seen by anyone else on the ground level.

I marveled at the sheer openness of the interconnected rooms, all of which were illuminated with the vibrant colors of Russian night, making Jacob's white couch and walls and wooden furniture positively glow with streams of navy and green, of white and burgundy.

"Wow..." I said aloud before I snapped out of my small reverie upon seeing Jacob in my peripheral vision begin to take off his coat and hang it up on the wall closest to the door.

"Right! That's basically what I said when I first saw this place. I know it's not much to look at outside, but once you come inside one of the apartments, it's like...nothing you would have ever expected," Jacob explained rather gracefully to me, prompting me to turn my head a little more towards him as I brought my hands to the folds of my own coat to remove it.

"...I know what you mean," I replied, my mind thinking of other things entirely, and I was sure that Jacob knew just as much.

"Here...I'll go grab you a chair..." Jacob said a bit quizzically to me before turning towards the kitchen off to this left.

His words confused me, as there were plenty of places to sit on the loveseat and couch, and my steps were sluggish, unknowing, as I shuffled further into the enticing living room, noticing the gleaming, hardwood floors.

"Alright..." Jacob announced with a growing smile as he placed one of his tall chairs from the bar down in the center of the living room.

"Have a seat and I'll be right back," Jacob spoke again, already heading out of the room and towards the back before I had a chance to reply.

I sighed silently, but decided to do as I had been told.

I sat down on the chair in the living room, my eyes roaming from the many, wide-reaching windows there to the unactivated television in front of me, wandering over the very normal things that comprised the spacious area when the lighting overhead began to grow brighter.

I raised my hand to my eyes and sort of rubbed away the darkness remaining there, making my vision accept the light, and I suddenly felt Jacob step directly behind me where I sat, his hands draping a large, soft towel over my chest and shoulders.

"Jacob...just what are you...ohh..." I had begun to question Jacob's puzzling antics before softly groaning out the rest of my words as I felt Jacob run his fingers through my lengthy curls, petting them gently a few times with his hands before brushing them back to lie as flat as they could down my neck.

"I think you'll start to feel a lot better if you got your hair cut," Jacob explained his motives patiently to me, now running a small comb through my honey-blonde tresses and smoothing down the curls once they bounced back in place.

My head hovered where I sat, my eyes drooping and my lips parted as coos of sweet, grateful pleasure desperately wanted to escape me from feeling this man tend to my hair for me, his every stroke and brush speaking of an unfathomable gentleness within him.

"...I mean...don't get me wrong...I think you have beautiful hair..." Jacob said with a smile, I was sure, as I let my eyes slip closed, my breathing having become deeper, more even and relaxed, as I let this absolutely inspiring American male do what he pleased, "...it's just that...I can already picture you with it being a little shorter...and that is one damn fine image."

"Mm-hmm..." I purred, not entirely comprehending all of Jacob's words to me as I let the small sounds of clipping shears lull me further into this amazing serenity that had overcome me.

"Let's see..." Jacob thought aloud as he snipped a few more times in the back, shook out my hair with his fingers, and then moved around to stand in front of me.

"It is relaxing to get your hair cut, isn't it..." Jacob asked me, obviously noticing how I was about asleep where I was in his living room in how thoroughly I felt like a certain peace was settling inside of me.

I had not felt such heaven in such a long time; I was intoxicated with it, swooned by it.

"...da..." I spoke quietly, feeling Jacob lean in close before bringing his scissors to my hair once again, snipping only a couple more times on the sides, each time with careful precision that I slowly opened my eyes again.

Jacob's face was one of awe, his eyes running over my features and the result of his handiwork.

"There...wow...yep, this is...exactly what I had in mind..." Jacob said a bit distractedly as he leaned away from me and retrieved a round mirror he had placed on a nearby shelf, handing the item to me so I may see my new haircut.

I smiled gratefully as I accepted the mirror, holding it up at once and admittedly anxious to see all what Jacob had done.

"Nice...it looks good...!" I complimented honestly, my words surprising even myself, as I noticed how Jacob had brought up the back of my hair to my neck and then left the hair around my face a little longer, the shorter, angled style making my curls have a lot more layers and show more of my neck and face.

"Well...thanks...but I don't think what I did had anything to do with you looking good," Jacob let another kindness fall so easily from his lips to me, his eyes smiling, wanting to say more, as they regarded me.

"How did you learn to do that?" I had to ask the American teacher, genuinely curious as well as wholly impressed by the skill that seemed to be present with such a complicated cut.

"Ha...you sort of...learn a lot of little trades like that when you grow up on a reservation and are basically told all your life that you need to take care of everyone around you," Jacob explained in his usual lighthearted nature but with a tremendous amount more meaning in his tone and expression.

I could only nod to Jacob's words, my eyes lowering as he grabbed the towel from around my shoulders and gathered it in his hands, the air within the apartment feeling lighter but at the same time, like it was carrying more than it had just a few moments ago.

"I can um...help you clean up," I offered a bit awkwardly, feeling as if I needed to do something for him after he had gone to so much trouble for me, as I gradually stood up from the chair and glanced around to the fallen locks of trimmed hair that now lie in various spots on the floor behind me.

"I'll clean the mess. You can bring the chair back in the kitchen...I mean, you're my guest...I can't put a guest to work," Jacob joked, coloring the delicate atmosphere with something truly unique as he began to turn away from me and head towards the back rooms again, a fading chuckle leaving him as he did so.

I smiled at Jacob's comment, listening to him retrieve a few more items from somewhere else in the loft for another second before lifting the chair up and taking it back to the inside of the adjacent kitchen from where I had seen Jacob get it, already hearing his approaching footsteps coming closer.

"Oh...I guess I haven't thanked you for the haircut, so..." I trailed off as I exited the kitchen, seeing Jacob already making short work of sweeping up the clipped curls of my bright blonde hair from his hardwood floor and into a dustpan, my eyes taking in his well-muscled form and striking black hair before continuing to speak, "...thank you, Jacob."

I had meant it, and I waited at the edge of his living room for him to realize just as much.

Jacob stopped sweeping and bending over to gather the remains in the pan he held, as he stood up to his full height and fixed his eyes directly on mine, my words still hanging thickly above my head and I knew that my gaze conveyed exactly that.

"You're welcome. Really, Jascha, I...I want to help you...in any way I can. So this...it was no trouble at all," Jacob spoke such profound words to me like I should have already known as much, as if it was the clearest notion in the world to him and him explaining it to me was even easier.

I swallowed hard, averting my eyes.

"I'm about done here...why don't you go relax on the couch...you want a beer?" Jacob offered plainly to me, his words sort of snapping me out of my melancholy and prompting me to obey his words and pad across the room once again to the large white couch that decorated the glowing living room.

"No thank you, I'm fine," I politely declined the drink as I sat down a bit rigidly at first but gradually relaxed my muscles one by one as I melted further into the pliant cushions and soft texture of the lavish furniture.

An audible sigh left me as I made myself more comfortable on the microfiber couch, parting my legs and pressing more of my shoulders into the pillows behind me so that it felt like my whole body was being cradled by the voluptuous padding from all of the cushions around me.

"You know..." Jacob spoke aloud, his voice purposefully comical and teasing, as he also plopped down unceremoniously onto the couch next to me, one of his arms automatically raising up to drape along the back of the furniture as he regarded me with a smirk but only to turn his tone completely serious, "...I got no problem if you want to close your eyes for a bit. You look exhausted, and frankly, I don't blame you..."

I could not help the look I gave him upon hearing his words.

I could not help the pained, hopeful expression that suddenly became me as I turned towards him, having not heard from one other single person on this earth since Edward died that they did not blame me.

I could not help the emotion that suddenly swelled inside of me, making me want to cry...but this time with tears of gratitude.

I swallowed hard, my eyes tracing over Jacob's mocha-colored features, so free of problematic worries and trifles of life and my eyes needing to see every part of it present within him, as gave me an understanding nod before speaking again to my shocked silence.

"Go ahead and rest, Jascha. I'll wake you up in a little while," Jacob promised warmly, his eyes never leaving mine, and I felt his words seal something within me, his promise meaning far more to me than just what we were talking about on the surface.

Again, I was grateful.

With no other thoughts passing through my mind other than how wonderful it felt to have someone promise to look over me again, even if was just for a little while so I may rest now, I reclined even further into the massive couch, resting my head along the back cushions and placing my hands comfortably on my stomach.

A few minutes after closing my eyes, my senses hearing nothing, knowing nothing...other than how comfortable in body and in mind I finally felt, I was asleep.

_Author's Note:_ Aww. Jasper sleeping. Too cute. Prepare for even more cuteness. XD


	5. Waking up in a Field of Moving White

**Chapter Five**

**Waking up in a Field of Moving White**

_Jasper's POV_

An amount of air rushed into my lungs, effectively waking me up from what I could already tell had been a deep slumber.

I scrunched my eyebrows together, blinking slowly and letting my eyes adjust to taking in the faint light and my immediate surroundings once more.

I cleared my throat, but then stiffened right away.

A small trace of panic settled frighteningly fast inside my stomach, making my heavy eyes feel wide awake now and my jaw clench a bit, as I noticed I was tucked securely against Jacob's side, the dark-skinned American snoozing contently next to me on the couch.

Jacob has his head reclining back against the high-rising pillows that adorned the back of the white couch, one of his arms draped comfortably around me, holding me to him, as he had his booted feet propped up and crossed atop his coffee table.

I swallowed hard.

Peeking outside to the unshielded view of the whole city from this vantage point in the living room, I could see that it was still dark outside, but my body and brain could tell that it was extremely early in the morning, that type of electric in-between time of day that only the supremely lonely experience, and I was made disheartened in a moment.

I held my breath as I carefully slid off of the couch, making sure that Jacob's arm did not just fall to the cushions of the couch, as I gently seized his wrist and lowered his heavy arm.

"Oh my God..." I spoke aloud upon seeing a small clock sitting atop of the nightstand next to me, the blue number nearly mocking me with the time they informed me of being.

It was 5:13 in the morning.

I hurried off the couch, no longer caring about stealth, just the crazed, half-conscious notion to get out of there and into my own little world again.

"Mmm...you're leaving...?" Jacob spoke to me before he even had his eyes open, my spoken sentence having must have woken him, as he stretched his massive arms over his head as he cracked open his lovely, deep eyes.

"Um...yeah...it's really late, and...I should go," I answered awkwardly, my coat in my hands as I had made it that far to the coat rack by the door before Jacob's sleepy words had stopped me cold.

I felt sheepish and unsure.

I felt antsy and exhausted at the same time.

I felt like I did not know what I needed to do.

"...I wish you could stay..." Jacob's gravelly words met my ears, the American male continuing to stretch as he tipped his head to a side and proceeded to stretch out his bulging triceps, a soft, natural-looking smirk gracing his lips all the while.

I averted my eyes to my wool coat in my hands, my shoulders instantly losing their tension from such a simple request from Jacob, and it was with my mind reaching a commanding halt, that I replaced my coat back on the rack.

I kept my eyes lowered as I padded back across the room to the couch, to Jacob, able to see Jacob's handsome smile grow even though his eyes remained tired.

"So...what'll it be...sleep some more or do you want some breakfast?" Jacob offered happily to me as I sat back down beside him, admittedly feeling better upon doing so, as I felt my body relax once more and not be so tightly coiled and ready to spring like I had been before.

"Hmm...food does sound pretty good right now...then we can go back to sleep," I answered, feeling a bit silly, as I grinned warmly at Jacob, watching him nod mock-thoughtfully to my assessment.

"I agree, I agree...alright, Jascha...breakfast first, it is," Jacob acquiesced easily, his nature, once again, reminding me that someone like Jacob is not bothered at all with trivial things and can effortlessly go with the flow.

Someone like Jacob would see the positive no matter what.

"Tell me...do you like pancakes?" Jacob asked me with is boyish but striking smirk still in place, the American facing me more now as we sat next to each other on his pliant, white couch, the color outside brightening as every second passed, and I felt the morning respond to Jacob's brilliant smile, trying and failing to match how beautiful it was.

"I am Russian, you know..." I answered cheekily, ready to begin this uncharted day with this man.

X

Fifty-three minutes later...

I sat across the quaint breakfast nook wedged adequately enough in between the kitchen and the dining room of Jacob's apartment, both of us having been feasting heartily on our pancakes with syrup, fresh chopped fruit, sausage links, and coffee for a good twenty minutes.

"So, Jascha..." Jacob began speaking by addressing me by name for the umpteenth time, a repetitive thing that had become something of an inside joke between he and I, and it was with a smile that I set down my coffee mug.

"Yes?" I gave Jacob the opening to continue speaking, watching with a certain twinkle in my eye as Jacob finished chewing his mouthful of food before swallowing, his gaze fixing directly onto my features once he had done so.

"Well...by now, I think we've covered about every topic of small-talk and 'getting-to-know-you' kind of stuff, but there is something...I've been dying to ask you about..." Jacob confessed a bit hesitantly, his words careful, his tone mindful of my reaction before even I knew what it would be.

"...okay? What is it?" I asked, needing the clarification since it seemed to have Jacob so tongue-tied and boggled, as I automatically moved a few pieces of pancake around on my plate.

"I was wondering if you would tell me...what was he like? The man you were with who passed away...what was he like?" Jacob asked me completely seriously, his eyes pleading with me to understand that he wanted me to talk about my pain, to finally open up about the small things that had succeeded in driving me crazy and leading me into the pubs nearly every night.

I swallowed hard, my lips parting, and my gaze lowering, almost as if in shame.

"Only if you want to..." Jacob hurried to offer, buying time as he licked his lips, and quietly set his fork down.

I know I waited forever to speak, my words jumbling inside my head before I even had proper time to sort them all out.

I just decided to start from one of my best memories.

"He was...a brave man...also American, and I hated that about him at first...but then..." I smiled sadly, nostalgically, as I continued, "...he did things for me no other human being would have...and that...um...well..."

I trailed off, feeling my heart ache painfully inside my chest as I was suddenly flooded with memories of Edward's face, his smell, his smile...

I gasped softly upon feeling Jacob's hand squeeze over one of my own, him reaching across the length of the small table, as he presented me with a lovely smile that urged me to continue, relieving some of the pressure I felt inside.

"He took me away from here...we lived in Mexico for a while...I couldn't pick up the language, but Edward...he would always be right there when I needed him," I finished my recollection for now, feeling sullen but also at the same time, like I had let that memory free and flourish, and that...made me feel better.

"I think you're the brave one, Jascha...telling me that took guts. In fact...I think you're amazing," Jacob's words startled me pleasantly, making my eyes widen at once as the full weight of his flattery settled within me.

"You um..." I struggled to find words, my need to smile battling triumphantly against the urge to cry, as I let Jacob squeeze my hand inside his own on the table, "...thanks for saying that, Jacob. I wish it were true...I wish I...well, I wish I could be more like you."

Strength I had not felt within my bones and flesh for a long time gradually making its way back inside me, back inside my resolve as a living, breathing human being, I lifted my gaze and locked eyes with the man with mocha skin and kind eyes before me, meaning every word I had said.

Jacob grinned adorably, blushing a bit at my words, as he slowly withdrew his large, warm hand from mine, taking his time in sliding it back towards him, as he seemed to need a moment after hearing my honest reply to him.

"So...breakfast was really great, thank you," I offered, bringing my napkin to my mouth a final time, as I reclined back in my chair, feeling my hunger sated and my mind relaxed as a result, as I simply let the comfortable moment linger amiably around us both.

"No problem. It's been a long time since I've had to cook for anyone other than myself...it was good; I liked it," Jacob easily took my compliment in stride, offering up a little piece of information about himself in the process, as he leaned back in his chair as well.

"So..." I wanted to say something else witty and lighthearted, but Jacob beat my to it.

"So...you ready for that nap?" Jacob asked me with a smile, letting me know without him actually saying the words bluntly that he was still quite tired.

I smiled immediately, feeling that my now full stomach and the still early morning hour making me feel groggy with the need to sleep as well, as if all I needed was a short nap like Jacob had suggested and then I would feel right as rain.

"Absolutely," I answered smartly, he and I already getting up from our spot before I had finished speaking.

The two of us wordlessly leaving behind our plates with the unspoken agreement to clean them up whence we woke up, I followed Jacob down the adjacent corridor that lead into the few back rooms, his bedroom located on the right.

"I'll be on the couch. Help yourself to whatever," Jacob instructed me, his words, though, not at all meshing with what I had in mind, as he and I wandered into his unlit, navy-blue bedroom.

"Well, um...won't you...stay...here with me?" I found it impossibly difficult to suggest, but once I did so, I audibly breathed a sigh in relief after speaking, as I kept my eyes trained on Jacob's striking profile as he turned to somewhat face me.

"I wasn't going to ask...but of course I will, Jascha...of course I will," Jacob welcomed me with opened arms and even more inviting words, as he extended his hand for me to take.

I new straight away that my taking his hand now meant a hell of a lot more than just me allowing Jacob to help me into his bed for our nap.

It meant that I was accepting him and letting him accept me.

It meant that he and I were now friends, that I was allowing him to care for me...and I him.

It meant that I had someone else in my life again.

I swallowed hard at my last thought before placing my slender, pale hand inside his much larger, coffee-colored one, our fingers squeezing each other almost instinctively as he began pulling me closer.

"Jacob, I..." I began, even though I had no idea what to say, but was saved me once again from having even more uncertainties float around inside my head and play tricks on my tongue as Jacob politely cut me off.

"Shh...for now, let's just get some rest..." Jacob offered, much to my relief, as he and I both climbed onto the large mattress topped with luxurious sheets and a duvet the color of evening sky in winter, our hands staying intertwined as we got situated.

Jacob let out a small, throaty groan upon relaxing against the thick pillows at our backs, our locked hands in between us on the mattress, as I automatically turned to lie on my side, facing the black-haired American as I let my cobalt gaze linger on his athletic form and exotic face.

"Why are doing all this for me? I mean...not that I'm not grateful, because I am...but...why, Jacob?" I had to ask, the questions just seeming to spill from my mouth despite my whispered tone as I watched as Jacob opened his eyes and then turned to lie on his side as well.

Unfathomably dark eyes stilled in their gaze into my own, holding me captive with such an air of permanence that told me in the space of a heartbeat that I needed to remember the words Jacob was about to say to me.

"That time when you hugged me in the diner...I knew right away I wanted to be there for you...hell, I knew I just wanted to be with you. The thought just struck me as clear as day that I needed to be...whatever this man, this gorgeous, troubled man, wanted me to be...if it meant that he would smile again..." Jacob spoke so eloquently to me, so passionately, before lifting up our joined hands to his shapely mouth and pressing a gentle kiss to the back of my hand.

I smiled and lowered my gaze until my eyes closed peacefully, my mind and body completely ready to sleep.

"...so beautiful...I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you're okay, Jascha...I promise..."

_Author's Note_: I don't really have much to say in this Author's Note lol. More on the way. Work has been crazy. But more is still on the way. I have only just started with this one kukuku...


	6. Checkered Patterns and Striped Things

**Chapter Six**

**Checkered Patterns and Striped Things**

_Jasper's POV_

Two weeks later...

"Thanks and keep the change..." I spoke in English for some reason to the young lady behind the counter that had rang up the few items I had purchased from the convenience store a few blocks down the road from where I lived.

The girl at the register probably had no idea what I had just said to her, but I was already out the door and strolling quickly down the sidewalk in the crisp, late afternoon.

I was meeting Jacob for dinner tonight at some restaurant he had insisted we go to, and I had been positively beaming with excitement ever since hanging up the phone with him.

After I had tidied up around my apartment, cleaning things and appliances as I pleased and dusting off bookshelves, I had set out to buy a few, random things I knew I would need for the house.

I had bought beer, a few snacks, a magazine at the last minute, another bottle of glass cleaner, and breath mints.

Now, as I rushed back home with my paper bag filled with my strange items, I could not stop smiling.

X

Later that evening...

"I felt so bad for that waiter at the other table...that lady was practically promising to burn down his house if he messed up her steak..." Jacob and I continued to laugh and carry on as we approached the door to my apartment, my laughter seeming to rush out of me with everything that Jacob said.

Jacob's sense of humor was dry and sometimes with a bit of witty snark that I found myself loving to no end as he practically tore people apart and all with that gentle look in his eyes and soft smile upon his lips.

"...shit...I almost dropped my keys..." I managed to voice as my laughter died down, my other hand holding the small container with my leftovers from the restaurant.

"Here...I got it," Jacob chivalrously took my keys from my hand and jammed the appropriate one inside the lock on the door, efficiently unlocking it for me as he cast another one of his handsome smirks at me.

I blushed a little as Jacob opened my door for us both, my feet knowingly taking me to the kitchen counter to set down the container in my hands, before I clicked on the lights and illuminated the apartment for my guest to take in his surroundings.

"Nice...cozy...a little plain...but nice..." Jacob remarked playfully as he finished hanging up his coat and smoothed his hands down the pockets of his jeans.

"Plain?" I acted like I was offended by his jesting comment as I gaped theatrically at him, something I had not been able to do for too long; act silly; "...yeah, you're right...it is sort of plain in here."

Jacob laughed as he turned around to face me in the kitchen, unfolding his massive arms as he smiled wholeheartedly.

"Oh, I was just kidding, Jascha. Besides, I think this place...kind of suits you the way you are right now..." Jacob began to explain before I cut him off with another joke.

"Are you calling me old?" I had to laugh as I tried to act offended again but failed entirely as I chuckled at my own humor.

Lovely smirk still in place, Jacob rolled his dark eyes as he walked towards me.

"...you both just need a little attention is all..." Jacob spoke so calmly, his words so full of finality that I felt my breath catch as he placed his hands on either of my biceps and slowly rubbed across the fabric there with his thumbs.

His eyes were intense, asking me question and promising me even more without ever breaking away from my gaze for an instant, and I felt trapped, physically and emotionally where I stood before him now, watching him as he watched me, the both of us trying to sort the world out in only a few minutes.

"You must be thirsty...what would you like to drink?" I tried to avoid such demands of me for just a little longer, my intentions were in vain, however, and I knew that Jacob would see right through them.

I had only begun turning away from Jacob when he wrapped his arms around me tightly, hugging my back to his large chest as he lowered his lips down to my temple, making me forget how to breathe all over again.

"You...the only thing I want...is you," Jacob confessed in a such sensual, dark voice to me that I felt my stomach flutter with butterflies and my fingertips suddenly go numb as I practically melted against the hard, toned grooves of Jacob's tall body.

I opened my mouth to speak but no words could be formed, not with Jacob running his nose through a few of my honey curls until he could place his lips at my ear and suggestively nip at the outer shell.

I did not hear the groan that escaped me, no other of my senses being able to work properly as I slowly turned around inside Jacob's embrace so I may face him, bringing my own hands to slide up either of his arms until I could squeeze my fingers around Jacob's large forearms, almost digging my nails into his tanned skin with how much desire was currently coursing through my veins.

"Jascha..." he purred my name and my glazed eyes were fixed on his lips, the way they formed the beautiful words he spoke to me, both of us just hovering where we stood, as if suspended in air, suspended in time, and no longer subject to the trivial matters that still lie dormant on earth far beneath our feet.

"...can I kiss you...?" he whispered, and I felt as if I had just floated even higher.

Our lips met in a crushing kiss, the raw and roughness of his fire-laden kiss showing me just how much he wanted to prove himself to me, just how much and how long he had wanted exactly this that was finally bring granted to him.

I felt delightfully smothered by his enthusiasm in the space of a second, wholly awestricken in the most spectacular of ways with just how much vibrant, pulsating power there was within him.

I hummed appreciatively against his lips, loving how he was being so demanding of me as if Jacob simply could not get enough and did not want to try to ever go without again; his hands starting out gentle as they coasted along my back but only to clutch at the fabric at my back in a manner most controlling that I felt even my strongest of defenses crumble to oblivion.

I wanted Jacob to control me; I wanted to no longer be responsible for my actions or outcomes and let this magnificent, stunning creature have free reign over what transpired between us intimately.

I wanted Jacob to lose his mind and act purely on instinct with me.

I wanted him to take whatever he wanted and more...

The idea was intoxicating and my body buzzed with excitement to make it reality.

We kissed and then kissed again, our flesh smacking together as I had long since closed my eyes and merely gave into the wonderful euphoria swarming over me upon experiencing so many breathtaking sensations at once, and I could not have obliged faster upon feeling Jacob part my lips with his own.

My hands flew up to card through jet-black locks of spiky, messy hair the instant our tongues collided together, the pure heaven the act caused me to feel making me moan into Jacob's mouth as he diligently teased and tasted every corner of my warm cavern.

Jacob was nearly wild as he ravaged my mouth and tongue with his own, his quick nips to my lips being the only time we were allowed to breathe before joining our lips once again, the sheer taste and feel of him every bit as exhilarating as I had imagined it of being.

He tasted as lively as his personality was, through the hint of spice and the rich chocolate I was able to detect, as he and I swirled our wet, soft tongues together in a maddening procession that about had me delirious with need and frantic for more.

It had been so long...too long since I had been absolutely immersed in something so captivating and pure, something so limitless and extraordinary that I found myself unable to consider anything otherwise.

All of my pain was forgotten about in a flash of clear white, because...how could I be in agony when I felt so...happy...?

Jacob's hands cradled my face as if I was something valuable to him that needed to be cherished, our lips pursuing the other man's mouth in a passionate plea to never stop, before I hastily pulled my lips away but only just so I may speak to him.

"Jake..." I panted, my body trembling with fantastic shivers of temptation as I kept my hands in his short hair, his own larger hands trailing around to my stomach where he tugged at my shirt a bit in an obvious display to try to contain himself whilst I spoke the words I knew he had been waiting to hear, "...I don't want you to stop...my answer...is _yes_..."

Realization flashed through dark-chocolate orbs before I suddenly felt his huge arms encircle around me again and then hoist me up off the floor.

Jacob carried me as if I weighed nothing, his one arm supporting my weight while his other was wrapped around my back, holding me to him as he walked us out of the kitchen and towards hallway.

I had immediately gasped in joyful surprise upon being picked up the way that I had, and I had quickly taken to grasping at Jacob's exceedingly developed shoulders while I peppered his face with loving kisses.

"Jesus, Jascha...you just made me the happiest fucking guy on the planet...do you know that..." Jacob nearly chuckled in bone-dry humor at his heart-felt comment to me as we had only made it halfway down the hallway before Jacob pressed me back against a wall and eagerly began returning my sweet kisses with glorious vigor.

I mewled in pleasure for my dark-skinned comrade to hear, feeling drowned in wonderful lust spiked with something even greater the more I felt Jacob's talented mouth touch my skin, the bittersweet urgency behind his movements making me ache for him in the best possible way, as I shoved my hands inside Jacob's shirt and clawed my fingers down his large back.

"Tell me, Jascha...are you really attached to this shirt...?" Jacob asked me in fast words stifled by his harsh pants for air as he pierced me with a suddenly intense gaze that I could not look away from.

"...huh?" I asked dumbly, my brain barely able to register two consecutive words that Jacob has said to me during so much haste and hustle to taste more of the other, and I tilted my head slightly to a side in mild confusion at his odd question.

"Good enough," Jacob declared a bit comically despite the silky-smooth strength in his voice, as he abruptly latched his hands onto the front of my gunmetal grey button-down shirt and then ripped the sleek garment from my body.

"Hey..." I murmured shortly before becoming at a loss for words as I only took a single second to look at the scraps of expensive material of what used to be my shirt, before feeling wholly turned on by such a primal act of Jacob needing to be closer to me, needing to claim me.

I purred amiably as I slipped my bare arms around Jacob's neck, my eyes closing as I urged him towards me again, my lips already anticipating the firm, full press of his mouth against my own and all the amazing jolts of white-hot electricity our kisses seemed to ignite within me.

"What the hell...what the hell is this...?" Jacob's voice cut through the atmosphere like a keen blade through a frail foe that immediately had me opening my eyes and retracting my arms a bit.

My eyes widened in puzzlement for only a moment as I took in the way Jacob was no longer looking at my face but rather the many, many Russian tattoos that decorated most of my skin.

My stomach plummeted, my senses stopped working except for only one word being able to process through my stalling mind.

No...

I dropped my arms from Jacob, hating the way he was staring at me with such hurt and anger in his eyes as I quickly averted my gaze to somewhere on my left, my mouth opening to ask him to try to understand...to try not to mind...but...

Jacob's narrowed eyes flicked up directly into my own, demanding my undivided attention as he set his jaw hard before speaking.

"...I know exactly what these are...I know what they stand for..." Jacob's voice was harsh and cold, just like the frozen Russian winter outside which I could almost literally feel whipping passed me at this very moment of me standing only a few feet away from such unrelenting scrutiny.

I felt exposed and vulnerable, and I had to swallow hard and force away the instinct to cover my tattoos with my arms.

I felt like I had betrayed the one person I had come to care for after Edward without even meaning to...and that made me feel like...never wanting to see another living soul again.

"Jacob...listen...I um..." I was only able to voice before I was hastily cut off in whatever explanation, if there even really was one, that I could offer to this pure, unscathed man before me.

"...I mean, those right there...those snowflakes mean that you've been in prison...prison!" Jacob continued as if I had not begun speaking at all, his words growing in volume as well as evident pain and I winced listening to them, "...and Morozov...oh my God...that's that fucking underground gang that used to blackmail people and shit...Jascha, what the fuck...!"

I hated it because it was all true; I hated it even more because it had made Jacob suddenly become unsure and wary of me...of us.

"...Jacob...please..." I spoke tenderly, lifting my watery gaze up to his, but once again, my voice leaving me upon seeing such turbulent emotions playing across his handsome face.

I gasped silently as Jacob suddenly closed his eyes and threw up his hands in a surrender gesture, leaning his weight away from me until his back thudded against the opposite wall, the whole act of him wishing to put more distance between us hurting me slowly as my face and shoulders dropped upon witnessing it.

My heart was breaking all over again.

My world was vastly losing its scarce light.

And I had no words to even try to fight back, gagged by my hope crushing in my hands and my future looking even more bleak than it had before I had even met Jacob.

"I can't do this...I can't...I'm out of here..." Jacob announced a bit brokenly before hurrying back towards the living room and out of my apartment, slamming the door closed behind him in a blur of motion that was too fast for me to fully comprehend in real time.

I crumbled to the floor, my face in my hands, soaking my palms and fingers with my endless tears that rained not just from my hurting eyes but more so from my shattered soul.

"...why...not this time...I can't fucking survive another..." I sobbed woefully as I rocked my body back and forth on my knees, my whole being shaking uncontrollably with such despair, such awful despair...

I cried because I knew this time of losing someone I cared for would kill me.

I cried because I wanted to die because of it.

I cried because I could never do anything right.

I cried because I did not deserve anyone, yet I could not bear being alone again.

"...what do I do now...what the fuck...do I do...now..." I voiced aloud, my words barely recognizable even to my own ears as I flattened my body down upon the carpeted floor, not even feeling the courage to remain on my knees at the moment as I wished I could just become part of the floor if I cried enough tears that would let it know that I did not have anything left above ground and that it needed to accept me.

My trembling body slumped on the floor, I balled up my fists and slammed them into the hard flooring covered in the light carpet, unable and unwilling to lift my face up as I simply remained as I was, not having the energy...not having anything anymore that would make me want to pick myself up.

I needed to just kill myself and be done with it.

In all truths, it had always been a miracle that I had even lived this long considering what I had spent my life doing...so ending it all now would not be such a big deal.

Again, I slammed my left fist into the floor and felt fresh tears trail down my cheeks.

Just then, the front door of my apartment flung open, banging hard against the wall.

Heavy steps raced towards me the next instant, but I still could not find the strength in me to lift myself up to see.

"No, no, no...Jascha...I'm here...oh God...I am so sorry...I wasn't thinking...I am so sorry, baby...come here, I gotcha..." Jacob's soothing voice strummed along my dulled senses as he dropped to his knees next to my broken form and gently placed his hands on my back.

Could it be?

I did not understand what was happening...

"Ja...Jacob...?" I sniffed, my words stuttering out my mouth as I could not stop my body from shaking, as I succeeded in lifting my head up from the floor, urged to do so by Jacob's hands that gingerly tugged me onto his lap.

As if my body possessed no bones whatsoever, I slid onto Jacob's lap, my mind whirring with questions and polarized thoughts that all warred heavily with the swiftly approaching waves of rightness and calm that were peeking back inside me from having him close once more.

I was still so confused, but I could not deny how Jacob's warmth flooding back into me was gradually cleansing away the dreary shadows that had tried to manifest within me again...his light was once again winning over my dark and letting me treasure being alive all over again.

"God, I'm sorry, Jascha...please forgive me...I promise I'll never do anything like that again...shh...I'm here now...I'm here...I am so so sorry, baby..." Jacob continued to coo to me as he softly rocked me in his arms that held onto me so tightly that I wondered if the strength I felt entering into me was truly coming from Jacob himself

I could feel the apology in his touch as well as within his desperate words.

I could feel the regret rolling off of Jacob as if it was a measurable electric pulse emanating from his core, and my weary mind was able to relax as a result, as if I could physically tick off every one of my horrible thoughts being proven wrong and instead welcome back the immense care with which Jacob always used to tend to me.

It should have been shocking to my systems to feel on top of the world one minute then ready to receive a swift death the next, only to be lead back to that first state of loving grace the following moment...but...maybe I bypassed the shock in some way...or maybe I was still in it.

I kept my forehead resting on his coat-clad shoulder, feeling the wintry chill there in the fabric from when he had been outside, as I merely absorbed Jacob's flowing words, letting them wash over me and sift through me, ridding my every fiber of all the doubt and anguish that had previously come crashing over me.

As if taking place subconsciously or to another me in a parallel universe that I was fully aware of, I felt my spirit being cradled back up into the clouds and beyond once more, a total serenity claiming me indefinitely as my sorrows were laid to rest as I listened and listened again to Jacob exclaiming to me just how sorry he was for walking away and how thoroughly he had been pained upon doing so.

"...there now...never again...you hear me...I'm sorry I'm such an idiot...I only made it down the block before I turned around and ran straight back here...I had to because I remembered something, Jascha..." Jacob's last words needed clarification so I slowly raised my head from his shoulder so I may look into his eyes and read the truth there as well.

Jacob's expression turned even more sorrowful upon seeing my tears and he brought a hand to my face and softly smoothed his fingers across each of my cheeks, wiping away the dried liquid from my sensitive skin, before he continued speaking.

"...I remembered that I promised to take care of you...no matter what...how could I have forgotten that..." Jacob smiled a small reassuring smile at me as he continued to embrace me tightly on his lap where we both sat on the floor in the corridor, "...and...I won't leave you again...not unless...you want me to...but...maybe even then, I'll still want to help you...I'll still want to be there for you and take care of you...I'll still love you...just like I do right now."

My eyes widened but I dared not speak yet as I watched as Jacob's smile grew across his face, becoming effortless and with that same carefree element that I adored so much, as he freed both of his hands from my body so he may carefully take hold of either side of my jaw.

"I love you, Jascha...and I'm sorry I reacted the way that I did, but the important thing is that I don't care anymore...none of that matters and I know that for a fact now, better than I know my own name right now...I love you for you..." Jacob confessed in earnest to me, never looking away from my sapphire eyes, never letting up on his mindful grip on my cheeks, never hesitating in the least in declaring to me that he did not care that I had spent time in Russian prisons before.

He only wanted me.

This was exactly what I had craved.

This, right here...Jacob telling me that my terrible past did not matter to him...and that he only cared about our future together.

Perhaps it just took the fleeting moment of dire pain for us both to realize that.

Maybe it took us being ripped apart for us to know just how much we needed the other.

If that was the case...then, it had been worth it, because even though my secret was out, here he was, just the same...just like before...telling me he wanted to continue to be with me.

"Jacob..." I breathed out his name, feeling as if I could melt in relief in this moment more than anything else, as I curled my fingers onto the front of his shirt exposed in between the folds of his coat near his lower abdomen, "...that's what I've been waiting to hear...that's what I...have needed to hear...for a long time...because I love you, too. I wanted to die when you left...I wanted to..."

"Shh...it's all over; I don't want you to think about that anymore..." Jacob hugged me again, this time prompting me to throw my arms around him and squeeze him dearly, as he ran his hands up and down my smooth, tattooed back.

"...but...there is something we do need to talk about, Jascha..." Jacob voiced clearly but not harshly into my hair, his hands massaging the tight muscles in my lower back as he spoke, my arms having not let up in the least bit as I embraced him so securely to me as if I would simply fade away should I stop.

Maybe I really would have...

"...I need you to tell me everything...and when I say everything..." he paused, allowing me time to lift up my head from his neck and search his eyes to see how serious as well as how passionate he was with me, " ...I mean everything..."

I gulped but nodded my head in agreement, knowing that it was finally time to tell Jacob about my past...all of it.

"Okay," I confirmed.

_Author's Note:_ This story is like a giant thorn in my mind, driving me crazy lol. However, working on this story again has also gave me some ideas for Soul and the Sun, so hopefully that should be updated pretty soon, too. Cheers, all!


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